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January 22, 2007
Beer Diary:
Anheuser-Busch To Import More Shit Beer Into The U.S.
The makers of Bud Light and other shit beers will be importing China’s Harbin Lager.by Eddie Glick
Harbin Lager, an “upscale” Asian import beer bought by U.S. shit-beer producer Anheuser-Busch, will be nationally available just in time to ruin your 2007 Chinese New Year party with.
This particular brand of shit beer is brewed with both Chinese-grown and “European” hops, giving it what the Anheuser-Busch people call “complexity.” In other words, the human taste buds might be able to detect some of the bitterness. Then again, maybe not. The swill’s “crisp finish” (what does that mean, exactly?) is due to its unique yeast strain and traditional aging process, which the brewer describes as “cold and long.”
In order to get the consumers’ minds off the taste of the beer, Anheuser-Busch will be selling it in 20.3-ounce (600 ml) bottles wrapped in “unique” transparent rice paper. Wow. This larger size, the company says with a completely straight face, is perfect for gullible consumers who wanna “experience the true Chinese ritual of sharing beer from a larger, restaurant-style bottle.” Hell, I feel like I’m in China already. An “elegant” silver drinking vessel, available in “select” bars and restaurants, will be provided to keep the beer as cold as possible, since that will help kill the taste.
To even further dupe people into buying it, Anheuser-Busch will throw in a very ooh-la-la “commemorative” gift box set containing a bottle of Harbin Lager wrapped in not just “unique” rice paper, but red unique rice paper. So folks can think fondly back to those good times in 2007, when they drank shit beer to ring in the Chinese New Year.
The gift set will be available in liquor shops, quickie marts and other haunts of the unemployed in “selected” markets by late January and will be supported by a whole slew of stupid ads to waste your time and clutter landfills.
Yet another promotion will target “upscale” (read: places that already sell Anheuser-Busch’s other shit products) bars and Asian restaurants. Philistine buyers will be offered a red envelope—again, wow!—with a good luck charm. I mean, this thing is just drippin’ with authentic Chinese culture, people!
Anheuser-Busch bought Harbin Brewery Group Ltd. in 2004. They also own a 50-percent stake in Grupo Modelo, Mexico’s leading shit-beer producer. Anheuser-Busch produces the brand Budweiser and the world’s shittiest beer, Bud Light. They also run some theme parks. We here at the Beer Dorks will sure as shit not try this shit import, since we still have plenty of kick-ass Midwest craft beer that we’ve yet to try. So Anheuser-Busch can shove this crap right back up their shit pipe.